Transformation

My Grieving Journey - Introduction

2006-11-21T21:10:00.000-08:00

Grieving journal of Jack Pyle

I inserted these two quotes as introductions to this journal on June 17, 2006:

The call of death is a call of love. Death can be sweet if we answer it in the affirmative, if we accept it as one of the great external forms of life and transformation.
Herman Hesse

Today, I accept my tears of grief as the life giving rain that fosters new growth. Even in the face of death itself, I feel the resiliency of life moving me inexorable onward to greater good.
Julia Cameron

My wife and best friend Connie died in her sleep on February 3, 2006. We were married almost 38 years. I found out later that it was a heart attack.

I am writing this journal, which began the evening she died, in hopes that it may help other men who lose their wives or those who lose a family member to death either unexpectedly or following a long illness. I have discovered that other grievers who have shared their grieving experiences with me have helped me immensely to understand and accept what I am going through.

Let me share two things I have learned:
1. We must live in the Present Moment and work to improve our tomorrows by focusing on today. We cannot change the past no matter how much we wish for it. Many people spend too much time in the past, mostly reliving bad things that have happened. Or hoping that the love they have shared and lost could somehow miraculously be made real again. But the brutal truth is that we must go on. It is also a hopeful truth.

2. We never know if today is the last day we will spend with a loved one. Make today with your loved ones special. Tell them how you feel about them. You may not get the chance to say it tomorrow. Do not go to bed angry. When we were married I asked Connie to commit with me that we would never sleep apart in anger. And we never did.

I have been reading books about the grieving process. And I have been talking with other grievers. One thing is clear. We have a choice. We can decide to create a great future for ourselves. Or we can wallow in pity. C.S. Lewis chose to wallow. I choose to celebrate the wonders of an incredible love experience and to move on into my new life. I can do anything I want! How many people can say that?

Here are some excerpts from C.S. Lewis about his grief over the loss of his wife Helen:
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing….I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me…

"There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside me tries to assure me that I don't really mind so much, not so very much, after all…Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this 'commonsense' vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace…

“I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief…And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief. Except at my job – where the machine seems to run on much as usual – I loathe the slightest effort. Not only writing, but even reading a letter is too much. Even shaving. What does it matter now whether my cheek is rough or smooth?...It’s easy to see why the lonely become untidy, finally, dirty and disgusting.”

Note: Personally, I had none of these experiences. Lewis was a brilliant man intellectually, but it seems he was a bit retarded emotionally.

Eventually Lewis moved on in his grieving journey: “Bereavement is not the truncation of married love but one of its regular phases – like the honeymoon. What we want is to live our marriage well and faithfully through that phase, too.”
Source: C.S. Lewis on Grief, copyright C.S. Lewis Pte Ltd., ISNB 0 7852 7096 5

And here are my thoughts about my own grieving process. Many of the initial items were emails to friends. I slept about an hour the night Connie died. My heart felt shattered. I got up and went to my computer and started pouring out my grief, bleeding in words. It was very therapeutic.

My Grieving Journey - February 5, 2006

2006-11-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

1:10 AM
It has been two days. I was just thinking that being alone is going to be much more comfortable than I had imagined. I guess that is a good sign.

Connie finished her missions here and moved to a new spiritual plane very early Friday morning peacefully in her sleep.

I was also just thinking that I have closed the door, brought down the curtain on an incredible life of partnering, parenting, loving (giving and receiving.) I can cherish what I had and create what I want. I have never done that -- just took what came along next (most of the time.) Exceptions were starting my own businesses.

9:22 PM - Email to my CoachVille.com coaching buddies in the U.S. and Canada
I started writing notes for a journal last night after I was thinking while standing in my bedroom with the door to the deck open looking at the snow, something Connie loved to do. I thought: "Connie, I am going to be okay. I know it. I don't need to be lonely. I had a fairy tale romance with you. It was glorious. Now I should get started on creating my new life."

I really thought I was through grieving yesterday. [This dude is slo-o-ow.] The morning Connie died I spent a lot of time outside screaming at the universe. But my throat got pretty sore, so I had to stop about noon. Then when the RAGE was gone and my denial was pretty much over, I thought I was okay. I am fine with this. I will be okay. The future is bright.

I even got a little cocky about it. I could be alone in my bedroom and feel completely at peace. I'll bet Connie was helping with that. She has been very busy visiting family members. The stories are heart rending and uplifting. A friend that Allen has strong connection to is here and we were all talking in my bedroom, sitting on the love seat Connie and I just finished reupholstering a few months ago. We had candles glowing and had a great conversation. When I talked about my sister-in-law telling me of Connie's visit to sooth her and help her know she must go on, Jan said, "Connie's right there in bed under the covers."

So anyway, here's cocky Jack, so-o-o-o smooth. I don't feel alone in my bedroom. (Oh, I just realized that really was Connie's doing, wasn't it? Hmm-m-m-m.)

So I'm going along well on day two. Then day three comes and I'm grieving again. The second wave hit me. My son Allen made a sine wave picture with his finger. “Oh yeah,” I said. “This will continue in waves. I need some professional counseling.” I had already called our therapist Fred and said I would be in Thursday for our regular session. Today I called and told Fred I need his first available appointment. I will look for a grieving support group tomorrow, as well.

So---I started a journal. I decided I need to get this all down or I will forget the details. Writing seems to help. I'd better get back to that book I’m writing about speaking at your peak! My next book after that is basic survival cooking. It should be a hit with people who want to learn to cook fast and good.

Well, I'm babbling on, which I know is okay. Goodnight, dear friends.

I am going to build a wonderful life. I can do anything I want. You know, I don't think I've ever felt that way so strongly. Wow, I can do anything I want.

[March 5, 2006 – Remembering that first week I am reminded of how numb I was. Slept little and had no appetite. My kids would prepare plates of food, hand them to me and say: “Eat.”]

Day Three - February 6, 2006
[Notice to friends] We are holding a memorial service to Celebrate the Life of Connie Pyle on Sunday, February 12 at 2 PM at the County Fairgrounds Community Building on Ash Street in Mason.

We are requesting that flowers not be sent. For those who are interested, I have arranged with The Nature Conservancy in Lansing to accept contributions to help protect our precious world in the memory of Connie. They should be sent in her name to The Nature Conservancy, 101 E Grand River, Lansing MI 48904.

My Grieving Journey - Day four of the rest of my life - February 7, 2006

2006-11-21T20:38:00.000-08:00

6:53 AM
I got almost five hours of sleep.

I can do this. I just don't much like it. It is very strange. It is rocky. But I remembered to take out the garbage this morning without Connie to remind me. (Or maybe she did?)

I've gone through all the family photos with the kids to find pictures of Connie for a slide show for the memorial service. Found some really great shots. One of them I'm going to ask my photographer JD Small to print and frame. I called him on Friday and asked for a print of the new photos that were taken of the family during Christmas. He made an 11x14 of the two of us and delivered it himself yesterday. He wouldn't take any money for it.

Connie hated to have her picture taken at a studio. I told her we were going to have a new family picture taken and she would just have to live with it. (Well, I guess she got the last word on that one, eh?) I wore a sweater she knitted for me about 30 years ago. Yesterday both Kendra and I were wearing sweaters she made for us.

I found a wonderful picture of Connie among the memories. It is now my favorite picture of her. I took it while we were in Toronto about 12 years ago celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. We visited the Allen Botanical Center where we had a personal restating of our marriage vows. The flowers were so fragrant! I told Connie I would be faithful to her and wanted another 25 years of marriage. Then we would reconsider our vows. She is an incredible vision in the picture. She did not believe that she was a beautiful woman. So many people have been telling me that she illuminated a room. She sure did! She glowed. What a powerful spirit she is.

Well, the tears are flowing.

Kendra and I went to her employer yesterday to clear out her desk. Kendra did it while were surrounded by people through the whole process. Her boss Dave went to lunch with us. He is stunned. He has always been quiet, but not this quiet. We had a nice lunch, and I told him that I strongly felt Connie's presence with us. "She is sitting right there," I told him. We went to a new restaurant across from the Capitol. The food server said they were out of seafood bisque when I ordered it, so I decided on the carrot soup. The server said someone had mixed the bisque accidentally with some of the other soup. I said that sounded good, could I have the mixture. "Really?" she said. So she brought it. I asked if the chef would share how he made the carrot soup, and he came to the table later and explained how to roast the vegetables and puree them to make a nice soup with any kind of vegetables. I told Dave I would like to spend time with him and meet for lunch again soon.

On the way home I realized he must hurt almost as much as I. After all, he spent almost as much time with Connie as I did. And she took care of him, too. He told me when we met at the office that he didn't know what he was going to do. He was planning to retire when Connie retired because he didn't want to work with anyone else. I called and left a message for him when I got home. I told him that I had only just begun to realize how much he must be hurting. I sent my prayers and support for him in his time of need. I am going to call him again today.

He was a great boss to her. She had worked for some really demanding and ungrateful bosses before him (I'm being kind and generous here.) I was talking to him about how much she had been discovering her true self over the past year. He said she had started becoming very up front in a pleasant and teasing way that was fun to be around.

I was talking with her last week while we were trying to figure out how to get her car to the garage for an oil change, get me to where I needed to be with a client and get her to work on time. She said, "I'll just be late." And I said, "Really?" "Oh yeah," she told me. I'm late to work all the time. "Wow," I said. "Connie Pyle is going to work late? And joking about it? You are really coming out, Babe!"

And she was. I told her that it was wonderful to see her true self emerging so strongly over the past year. She was beginning to recognize that she had needs and it was okay to take care of herself, instead of always focusing on the needs of others. My daughter Kendra told me that it was probably a good thing that Connie finished her work here and was moving on so we could take care of ourselves. She said she will have a hard time without her best friend. I told her I would like to be her best friend. Talking the first night, she shared some bad feelings she had had toward me growing up. She was concerned a little about saying it, and I told her she could say anything, literally anything, to me, and I hoped she would do so. In that way, we could grow even closer. We talked till after midnight last night until I was exhausted and had to go to bed.

And, I want to share this incredible email I got. I knew Connie had touched a lot of people, but I didn't realize I have done the same.

Dear Lion Jack
Words fail us when we want to express our deepest emotions, and your loss brings many, many folks to sadness and wishing we could do something to lighten your load. First Lady Linda and I bring you the sympathy of District 11 B2 during this devastating time.
The word sympathy cannot adequately express how we feel about the leader who has done so much for so many, to build better communications and stronger leadership in our pride of Lions. It is possible that you, sir, have personally impacted more individuals in the state, than any other single person, and now we want you to know that your family feels deeply for your loss.
May comfort come and may your strength be restored as you seek to comfort your loved ones.
Lions Hank and Linda

Day Five - February 7, 2006, 7:55 AM
(A note to the firm where Connie worked)
The flowers sent by the firm arrived yesterday. I have set up a display on our buffet and on the wall behind are pictures of Connie and a display of her art. The flowers have a prominent place. You are invited to come to our home after the memorial service and see it for yourself.

The flowers feature lavender roses that are exactly like ones Connie and I planted in a new spiritual garden I have been creating. I didn't realize it was going to be Connie's spiritual garden. It is a large arc spreading from the clematis arbor we planted last year. Twelve-foot high shrubs will surround it to make it a private space. Connie suggested we make a straw bale couch – that is going to be cool, with mosaic tiles in an artistic pattern. It will look like an overstuffed sofa that you might have in your house. On each side are very fragrant rose bushes. I also plan to plant basil and other sweet smelling herbs. The lawn will be thyme. The shrubbery should keep down the wind so that the fragrances will collect to enthrall the senses.

My Grieving Journey - Day Six - February 8, 2006

2006-11-21T20:34:00.000-08:00

1:22 AM
[Email to Dave, a friend and one of my coaches] This is the shits, man. I just woke up feeling like I can't keep up this "good front" stuff much longer. I hurt. I could tell you saw right through me when we talked last night.

1:40 AM
"What becomes of the broken hearted?" This Motown song has been pulling at me for the past year or more. I couldn't seem to hear it enough. It was featured in the movie, “Standing in the Shadows of Motown,” and I have a CD of the music from the movie. Every time I played the CD, I would repeat this song several times. I listened to it over and over this morning and copied the lyrics. Now I know why it has been pulling at me. Just another example of how God and my guardian angels have been preparing me for Connie’s death.

As I walk this land of broken dreams,
I have visions of many things.
Happiness is just an illusion,
Filled with sadness and confusion.

What becomes of the broken hearted?
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I got to find
Some kind of peace of mind, Baby. [That's my special nickname for Connie.]

The roots of love go all around.
But for me they come tumbling down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger.
I can't stand this pain much longer.

I walk in shadows searching for light,
So alone, no comfort in sight,
Hoping and praying for someone who cares.
Always moving and going nowhere.
Copyright Motown

I'm crying, crying, crying. I know I will be okay, but I'm crying.

Speaking of crying, I've got to find the lyrics of that song, too (Crying by Roy Orbeson). It has been Connie's favorite for many, many years.

Kendra and I are going to try to get a musician friend of hers to sing "Peggy Sue" at the memorial, but change the lyrics to "Connie Sue."

Well, my dear friends, I'm feeling a little better now. I'm going to go listen to the broken hearted song a few dozen times and feel sorry for myself.

9:45 PM
I just got back from dinner with Kendra and friends. One of them asked me how I was doing. I said, "Well, I'm numb. I'm fatigued. I'm feeling strange. It's rocky. I'm not sleeping well, and I have no appetite. But other than that I'm fine.” : >)

It was a birthday dinner for Kendra and for a friend in Toastmasters, who is a good buddy to Kendra. I didn't want to go. I was really tired and numb. But it was Kendra's birthday and her mother just died, so I went. I sat with two women friends of Connie's and chatted up a storm. I got lots of energy back and had a good time. On the way home I asked Kendra if she noticed how much I talked all evening. She said she did. I told her I just figured it out. Connie wasn't there talking all the time. I could never get a word in when she was around. (I am exaggerating, but not too much.)

10:07 PM
[Email to my friends] I cried for about four hours last night and this morning listening to "What becomes of the broken hearted” over and over and looking at Connie’s pictures on the wall in the dining room . I want you to know I am surviving. I was going to say I'm okay, but I am not okay.

What I learned through the night (you should see the pile of facial tissues on the living room floor!) is that I should let the grieving take place. Dave, you gave that to me, though you didn't actually say it. You pointed the pathway, and I don't even know how. It just came to me after we talked.

Yes, I'm hurting. And it will continue to hurt. And I am going to let the hurt wash through me and help me to go on. And then I am going on.

I've thinking about adopting a 7-year-old Brittany spaniel. Kendra and I are going to drive to Wisconsin and give her a loving new home. Kendra told me about her. She belongs to a special friend in Wisconsin. When I come home I want unconditional love waiting for me. We decided to leave Monday and visit several of Kendra's friends in Minnesota and Wisconsin.

Well, lots to do. You are in my heart, and I feel the love pouring in from you.

My Grieving Journey - Day Seven - February 9, 2006

2006-11-21T20:27:00.000-08:00

5:53 AM
I woke up today feeling REALLY good. I am at peace and full of joy. Wow, life is good.

I slept for six hours without waking up. Today I feel relaxed and comfortable about all that is happening in my life. I know that Connie hasn't left me. She will never leave me. And I know that she is happy for me and will continue to support me forever. And most importantly, I know that she is happy and peaceful, too. That means a lot. She earned it.

I have always believed that God created souls and then sent them out to experience physical life to gain knowledge and experiences so that they could become companions for a lonely God. I believe that it takes many lives in the physical world to gain enough experience to be a true companion.

I believe that souls decide what they want to work on while they are on earth. (Wow, here's a thought. God is the coach helping souls to clarify focus.) I'm not sure why, but I know that Connie decided she had to experience abuse while here. She was still being abused until a year ago by a very demanding and needy boss. One day she decided she had enough and requested that the company give her a new assignment. Her therapist and I were so proud of her for finally being able to say "Enough." And since then she had been finding her true self.

I have always believed that one of my missions in life was to help Connie heal. This week I also realized that one of Connie's missions was to help me heal. We have both healed a great deal over the past year. She completed her mission and is now with God, figuring out her next steps. I know she has a lot of work to do. She has always been an angel of mercy, helping others, without really taking care of herself until the past year. I'm so happy that she is taking care of herself now. And she is taking care of us, too, every morning, noon and night.

One of the women at dinner last night told us how Connie had come to visit her after she died.

I've been thinking all week about what to say at Connie's memorial celebration and have been making notes. One of my thoughts was that life is an adventure. An adventure is when you don't know the outcome. I am ready for my new adventure.
Connie and I have always been avid readers, but I have been unable to read until this morning. Here's a quote I found in the novel I'm reading. "Wasn't that half of what life was all about? Imagining possibilities and then following through on them?"

I figured out what I would say at the end of Connie's memorial: As you continue your life, be like Connie – take care of others. And also be like Connie learned to be over the past year. Care for yourself. Learn to love yourself and who you are. Enjoy the cathedral of the world around you. Love a child and let them become who they are. Express your creativity. Let the music of your life sing out. Celebrate life. And know that we are blessed because Connie was in our lives and will always be with us.

[Here’s an email I received February 9 at 6:34 PM]
Jack, I am finding my thoughts and heart are with you constantly as I move about my day. I want to call you and I hesitate, thinking that I will be disturbing you and your family or intruding. If you want a call, let me know a good time - if there is one. Art (my husband) and I have been going through a difficult time lately and for the past few days, I've been feeling rather shamed about my anger and bitchiness as I think about your precious wife's passing - and think how awful I'd feel if Art decided to leave suddenly... I'd regret having been so unloving. I've decided to show my love rather than my discontent without being false. I appreciate your sharing of your heart and am rather envious of your appreciation of your life partner. I've longed for that.

You and Connie have been constant companions in my thoughts this week and I've found myself tearing up as I'm driving to one meeting or another. I've tried to dial the phone a couple of times but put the phone down because I have this gigantic melon in my throat...I want to call and comfort you, after all, not present you with my sobbing or emotions. - So, dearest Jack, know that I want to just hold you - no words - just heart connection.

I know you are OK - she's told me so. I thank you for the pictures. She is so beautiful. My grandmother used to tell me that special souls died in their sleep. When adults would talk about people who died and said so-and-so died in their sleep, I told my grandma that I didn't want to die when I was asleep. She told me that it was OK to go to sleep and that only very special souls died in their sleep and that God would not take me in my sleep unless I told Him it was OK.

You are a very special man, Jack. It is a blessing and privilege to know you.
Love, Lorraine

Here’s an email I received February 9 at 7:56 PM]
Hey Jack, Thanks for the note. I was talking to Bea the morning after you and I spoke, and I told her: Jack Pyle is in BIG, BIG trouble – he so shocked he thinks he’s OK. So I’m very happy to hear that you are giving up the front. Be broken hearted and lost. Because you are! It will get better. But not for a while. But MUCH faster if you tell it like it is.
I’m here for you, Dave

[An email I sent to Dave on February 9, 2006, 9:32 PM]
Thank you so much for your thoughts, Dave. They really mean a lot to me. I've been so numb until today. And no doubt I will be numb again and again. But no matter what, I will grieve my loss and grieve again and again. This is tough, man.

We are planning a special wing ding to send Connie on her way both Saturday night for a special few and Sunday for a mob.

I've been doing a good job of delegating and not trying to do too much myself.

February 10, 9:32 PM
[Email] Yesterday I was filled with peace. Today hasn't been a good day, until the arrival of wonderful people and they have energized me.

I was out earlier today at the bookstore looking for books on grieving so I can understand this process. It was interesting. Lots of books have been written by widows. Lots of psychologists have written books. I found one by a Buddhist psychologist which I bought along with several others - one by a grandfather talking to his stillborn grandson. Wow! One of the things I learned by reading on the floor of the bookstore is that there really are not grieving "stages" that can be categorized. It's different for everyone.

I didn't find a single book by a man who lost his wife. I guess we guys have a problem talking about our feelings. So I have a book started with the emails to all of you. I am planning to start a grieving journal on my website, too.

While I was out shopping I got weak and nauseous and faint feeling. I quickly realized I hadn't eaten. So I bought books and music and went directly to a restaurant for tomato bisque and a ham salad sandwich, which made me feel better. And I got a call of support while I ate. I developed a headache and I felt numb. I needed to rest.

I was up at 2:30 AM and started cleaning out drawers. The kitchen desk drawer was filled with junk that my wife accumulated. I had cleaned it up several times, and she just threw in anything to get it hidden. Then my daughter started in on me. ’”You can't just throw away stuff, Dad. Where is it? I need to check it out.” So she recovered things and told me why they were important. She apologized for complaining to me. I said that she could tell me anything she wanted without worry about hurting my feelings. And, frankly, she was right to recover the things she did.

Anyway, I took some aspirin for this amazing headache I had, which didn't work and went to bed for awhile. I may have slept for 15 minutes or so. Then people started arriving and I revived from the energy they were sending. I'm still numb, but having a good time. I know this weekend is going to be a special memorable time in my life.

MUCH LATER…
The Celebration of the Life of Connie Sue Pyle has begun. The pre-party is going great. We set out a glass of lemonade for Connie. And she has already visited me alone on the patio. We had a VERY nice exchange, and I got a hug from her. I told her how I was going to end the public celebration of Connie tomorrow. Well, I must get back to the party.

STILL LATER…
Connie loved fireworks so we shot off $500 worth in her honor. Yoli started drumming at the campfire, and then others brought out percussion instruments. I’ve never heard such amazing drumming. I got my tambourine. I saw Rose, the mother of Kendra’s friend from high school, keeping time with a metal garbage can lid and a beer bottle. Matt started playing fiercely on the guitar and wailing out with his incredible voice. Wow!

My Grieving Journey - Day nine - February 11, 2006

2006-11-21T20:25:00.000-08:00

5:32 AM
Yesterday was a pretty good day for me. I'm recovering pretty well I think, though I know the grief will continue to hit me hard. And I know that it will get easier as time passes. Connie is my guardian angel and is giving me a lot of support. We are still together.

I am wearing her wedding band. It's funny. She always held my hand too tight. I guess she didn't want to let me go. But I could only stand it for a while and would remove my hand from inside hers to put her hand in mine. Her ring fits perfectly on my pinkie. But you know what? I have never liked wearing rings before now. The ring feels too tight, and it's a good feeling because I know that Connie is still holding on tight to me.

Last night I was scheduled to give a speech at my Toastmasters group. The family said I should not go. But I wanted to practice saying some of the things about Connie that I will say on Sunday when we celebrate her life. I wasn't at all sure I would be able to talk without breaking down. The speech went very, very well. I didn't cry with my eyes; I was doing stealth crying. The tears were coming out my nose! : >))

[Email from a friend February 11, 2006]
Good morning Jack, I am impressed with your ability to move along with your heart, as well as with your head. I am glad that you do allow your heart to guide you. I know that Connie is always going to be with you, always going to be additional guidance for you. I love it that you are wearing her ring!

I'm praying for you my friend, and I have added you to our prayer list. You are being prayed for by the most gentile folks, for whatever it is you need at any given moment.

I have to also tell you that through your writings each day, I am growing, I am learning about grace in the moments, about tenderness, truth, pain, guardian angels, and of course love.
Thank you for sharing your heart.

Know that Bruce and I are happy to have you for a visit should you need a getaway... Austin sure is a nice place to get away to should you ever need it...
Kathryn

[Email from a friend, February 13, 2006]
Jack, I want you to know it heals us as it heals you to share your journey with us. It strengthens and deepens our consciousness and our gratefulness for all that is.
Thank you. And call when it all settles down there, and you need a distant friend to reach out to.
Kristen

[Email from a friend, February 15, 2006]
Dear Jack, I was stunned to hear of Connie's sudden passing. My condolences go out to you and your children. Having observed the bond between you and Connie when you lived in California, I have a sense of the enormous vacuum this must leave in your heart. Connie was a rare jewel, a precious original and although the time we spent together was brief, it has never been forgotten, such was her mark on another's life. To me, she will always exemplify an arms-opened-wide love of learning and experiencing life. You will be in my prayers as you heal and continue to grow and learn, because like Connie, I remember you as living in joy with an expectation of good.
With Love, Heather

My Grieving Journey - February 12, 2006

2006-11-21T20:23:00.000-08:00

Connie’s memorial celebration is today. We left the house finally about 11:30 AM to get ready for the 2 PM Celebration of the Life of Connie Sue Pyle. Steve from next door came by with his van and picked up our boxes of materials. I rode over to the hall with Homcara and John. Steve and Gary (another neighbor) set up the 4x8 display unit Steve made. It was a 4x8 panel with a 2x8 shelf – perfect. Then as we started hanging photos and Connie’s art works, it was clear that we needed more space. Steve added three-foot-long 2x4s at the top to allow large paintings to be hung beside the display.

Elaine and Donna from Toastmasters arranged the food that they and others provided. Elaine and her husband were troopers. Elaine made the food counter look beautiful.

We placed an eight-foot table near the entrance. It had a sign I made which said: “Stones by Nature. Stones personally selected by Connie. Please take one as her memento.” I told people as I took them to the table that Connie had licked each one to see its true color, so they were personalized further by her DNA.

The display board that Steve built had a sign that read:
CELEBRATE GALLERY
Artist Reception
CS Pyle
Michigan Artist
Mixed Media

On it was the recent photo of Connie and me from JD Small, as well as photos of Connie, and her framed watercolors, batiks, and mixed media art. A beautiful flower display sent by Chris and Chuck in Chicago sat beside the nearly completed mosaic of a cat standing on a blue mosaic pillow Connie had been working on. Beside the display were several eight-foot tables of Connie’s art through the years: watercolor portraits, classroom art projects (she got 21 out of 21 points on each one. The instructor had a note on one that said she wished she had 16 more students like Connie), sweaters she knitted, my wolf cross-stitched on a sweatshirt, clothing she created and dolls she made.

Connie’s sister Tina had worked hours on a display of photos that included her children Rachel and Megan in Halloween costumes and Renaissance dresses Connie had made through the years, as well as other photos and memorabilia.

There must have been 300 people who attended the event – 25-30 from Connie’s law firm and 20 or so Lions from all over the state. One told me he had not seen so many District Governors and other Lion leaders in one place except at their Council meetings. I was so touched by the turnout! In trying to talk to as many as possible, I could only spend moments with each one. It was a blur in my mind later. I forgot to get a guest book, so I will have to later try to figure out who was there with the help of others.

It was quite a party! We started with a drumming session and parade. I was dancing with the group, all smiles and touching people in the crowd. Some probably thought I was a lunatic! When it was done, I went to the microphone and said: “Do you get it yet? We have been grieving Connie for a week, and now it’s time to party and celebrate the life of a remarkable woman.”

My Grieving Journey - February 13, 2006

2006-11-21T20:19:00.000-08:00

Kendra and I rose early to leave for Minnesota and Wisconsin for five days. We had a very “let your hair down: intimate conversation for hours on the drive to Minnesota. All our walls are down, and we had a great time talking. I told her I felt like Connie had moved us into another reality where wonderful things were going to happen to us.

We went to dinner with Deborah and Jay. Deborah is her best friend in Minnesota. The four of us walked to a new Malaysian restaurant that was very good. I slept eight hours straight for the first time and after breakfast took a nap. That’s more sleep than I have had in two nights.

February 14, 20206
We drove to the Audubon Center of the North Woods in Sandstone where Kendra had worked for two years. We stayed with the executive director Mike and his wife Kate. I took a nap in the afternoon. Kendra and I were going to do some cross-country skiing, but I just ran out of steam. And I left my book, The Grief Recovery Handbook, in St. Paul. Darn it!

While we were driving, Kendra said she thought Connie’s soul had become bigger than her body could contain.

We had dinner with Mike and Kate. Mike’s son Matthew died in a kayaking accident when he was 21. Mike shared his thoughts about grieving. He also shared his single malt Scotch. When I mentioned that Allen had arrived at the house after Connie’s death with single malt Scotch for me, he brought out a bottle of McClellan’s. Then he said if you like that you have to try ___________, which is better and a great value. He was right about the “better.” Then he asked if I liked maple syrup. When I responded with an affirmative he brought out a bottle of maple syrup Scotch. I REALLY liked that. After about 5-6 shots or more (I lost count), I realized I was drunk for the first time in about 30 years. I told everyone I had to go to bed because I never remember what happens when I get drunk. I vaguely remember going to bed.

Next morning Mike was working at home till noon. I was very lethargic, though not with a sick hangover, and lay on the couch all morning reading Chocolat, which Mike provided. I was very cold, and when Kendra came back I asked her to find another blanket for me. When I mentioned to Mike how cold I was off and on all week, he said it was grieving cold. It had affected him for about a month after his son died.

I don’t like cats or dogs lying on me, but realized during the morning that Kendra’s cat, which she had left with Kate when she moved from Minnesota, had been laying one me for an hour or more. I started petting her, and she was very loving in response. Then I noticed she was the color of Connie – all grays, Connie’s favorite color. (Every room in our home is painted a light shade of gray.) I realized she had adopted me. I was her human, so I told Mike we would be taking her home with us. Kate’s son is allergic to cats, so she was happy Flora had a new home somewhere else, though she cried when I told her.

In the late morning, we went to Moose Lake to meet Ben for lunch. Ben is caring for his sick mother. He is a first-person historical interpreter part time, which is his first love. We had seen him reenact a French fur trader the previous summer. He is very believable in the role. He also has studied nursing and has two years toward an RN degree. When I went to the rest room I noticed some very nice primitive furniture and almost bought a table for the patio. I also liked the bed that was displayed.

It was obvious that Ben needed coaching to help him with his life’s work, so I set it up for him to get started with me. When we left the restaurant/gift shop, I asked Ben for a cigarette, which disturbed Kendra. I had turned to tobacco when Connie died and had stopped during our drive. We stood outside talking by the car, and I said tobacco was a spiritual event among Native Americans, which he understood very well.

I asked him how old he was, and he said 48 (on February 2, the day before Connie died.) I told him that when I was 48 I decided to take the advice I gave my kids, which was to figure out what you love to do most and find a way to have others pay you to do it. At lunch, he had told us a poem he wrote about his alcohol addiction that he is working through following a DWI. The poem was really great – passionate and beautifully spoken by Ben. He was embarrassed by it. It is a powerful piece of literature.

I told him he could become a storyteller at festivals and sell his CDs of stories. I told him he is a poet and a storyteller and needs to let it out. Our spiritual moment with tobacco was amazingly powerful. I kissed him and encouraged him to free the poet and storyteller trapped inside. We are going to start my coaching with him when I get home and he sets up an appointment.

I was reminded and told Ben that when Connie was painting watercolors again during the summer she was very critical of her work. I suggested she stop listening to the critic inside and listen instead to the artist inside. It seemed to work because when she was creating the cat mosaic months later she wasn’t being critical at all.

After lunch we went to spend the night with Tom and Stephanie (aka Sal) and their wonderful kids Red, who is nine, and Ada, who is younger. Kendra and the kids took off immediately to play at the river. Tom and Sal shared grieving stories about their daughter Lilly who got mercury poisoning from a vaccination at five months of age and died about 18 months later after many bouts of seizures.

They have a farm and 120 acres. Tom’s father and he bought 40 acres originally and lived together (still do). The father is ill. They have animals, including the biggest sow hog I have ever seen. Sal is studying nursing. They both are volunteer grief counselors. We had real food with them that they had raised. And it turned out that Tom had built the furniture I saw at the restaurant with Ben.

That evening, Kendra, Ada and I went to the Audubon Center where Kendra and two interns she had hired earlier did a fur traders reenactment for school kids who were staying at the Center. Kendra, being the excellent actress she is, had a good time and was very believable. Next day we went back to the Center so Kendra could talk with her former boss Craig.

I asked Craig what he was working on. I had decided to donate about $500 to the Center. He mentioned a prairie rehab project that would be an interpretative location when finished. It would be created in conjunction with the DNR and possible Pheasant’s Forever. I asked what it would cost and learned the Center’s share would be in the $1,000-1,500 range. I told him I would give $1,000 now and the rest later in Connie’s memory. Kendra and I are very happy with the thought. I also told them Allen could FedEx hundreds of rydbeckia and purple coneflower to plant in the meadow. (He later agreed.)

Thursday night we spent with Maureen, Al and their wonderful Alex and new baby. We picked up Abby, a Brittany spaniel, to be my buddy.

February 15, 2006
The weather was not good for the ride home. It snowed all day. We came back through the Upper Peninsular of Michigan. The roads were slippery, and it was difficult to see at times. It got a lot worse when we got to the Lower Peninsula. At one point I had to stop the car on the freeway because I could see absolutely nothing but snow. We stopped in Gaylord to get sandwiches to eat in the car. I told Kendra we would drive 10-15 miles further, and then get a room for the night if it didn’t get better. Then I asked my guardian angels, Connie and Gabriel, to clear the snow for us so we could drive three more hours and get home. Would you believe it, about 15 minutes later the snow was gone, and we could drive the speed limit again! Spiritual people and quantum physics scientists have agreed it is possible to change the world through thought, and that is my biggest personal experience with it. I have used this knowledge in the past to create parking spaces for my car and to hold planes at the gate when I was late – once for 30 minutes.

February 19, 2006
I am feeling a bit numb still, and I am ready to begin the rest of my life. I am grieving; I cried three times yesterday while talking about Connie with friends. And I am excited about my new life, too.

Last night I rejoined the world by cooking a meal with my daughter and one of her friends. I also prepared a pork tenderloin roast for later. This morning I made my famous German apple pancakes for six. I have cleaned the screens in the water input hose on my washing machine (it no longer takes three hours for the water to fill the tub!) and have done a load of clothes. My two grown kids are spending the weekend with me. Two of their friends from opposite ends of the country are here, too. Soon I will be alone in my house.

My Grieving Journey - February 23, 2006

2006-11-21T20:18:00.000-08:00

Life does go on. I had a lovely candlelight dinner with my kids last night. I took their hands at the table and told them I've never felt closer or felt more love for them than that moment. It was beautiful.

I'm going to have to start a record of my meals. It was almost as good as having Connie cooking with us. Kendra made a spinach salad with grated carrots and blue cheese bits. We ate my leftover pork tenderloin roast and Kendra's leftover Central American chicken, rice and vegetables with Lizano sauce from Costa Rica. We had leftover sautéed apples from the German apple pancakes. Dessert was ice cream topped with hot apples and a choice of chocolate bits or maple syrup.

We played our cheating version of cribbage afterwards. Scoring is anything you can reasonably (or unreasonably) figure out to make points. Such as: a 2, 2, 4, 7 could be scored as a pair of twos and adding the twos together makes a pair of fours. It got to be hilariously funny. We had many big belly laughs.

I have an all-day training today, and it will be good to be back in the saddle.

February 25, 2006
Tomorrow would have been Connie's 59th birthday. I had planned to surprise her with tickets to Lion King. Several of her co-workers and my wife's sister told me she had discovered my "surprise" in my calendar. But she never let on to me. She didn't want to spoil my plans for her.

February 26, 2006, 7:53 AM
Yesterday a huge wave of grief swept over us. I didn't expect that the intensity could be so great weeks after Connie's death.
I had been to visit an annual statewide conference of Lions. I wanted to see friends and be visible, though I only stayed for an hour. I picked up groceries on the way home. Driving back to the house and hearing the many love songs that play on the radio stations I listen to, I began to cry. As the intensity of crying increased I sensed Connie stroking my head.

A friend from long ago called as I walked into the house and we talked for an hour. Then I went upstairs where Kendra and Connie's sister Tina (my sis) had been sorting Connie's clothing and shoes, boxing the ones they did not want for themselves. I will take the rest to a women's shelter. Boy, Connie had a lot of clothes. Shoes, too. I used to tease her about being Imelda, Jr.

They, too, had been overcome with strong grief. Tina said she also had been affected driving to our house and felt Connie's presence soothing her. Kendra told me she had been alone sobbing earlier.

For me the grief was as strong as I had felt about a week after Connie's death. The intensity surprised me.
The night before Kendra and I were home watching "Must Love Dogs." I'm a sucker for romantic movies and collect them. This one will be added to my collection. Near the end of the movie, the father, who is about my age, was told by his daughter that one of the women he was dating was falling in love with him and he was blithely dating several others, which the woman was well aware of. He said that his wife of 45 years was strong within him, and no one could ever replace her. I burst into sobs. Kendra comforted me. I'm sure glad I wasn't in a movie theater, although it would have been okay if I were.

Yesterday, I also noticed my daffodils are peeking through and are two inches high, about a month ahead of last year. Red-winged blackbirds should be arriving soon. The first started singing here on March 1 in 2004 and March 13 in 2005. Spring is coming to Michigan! I'm looking forward to living among flowers again.

My Grieving Journey - February 28, 2006

2006-11-21T20:15:00.000-08:00

Email to my buddies at 5:27 AM
Thought I should get this off to you ASAP.
"What's that up in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO, it's SuperJack!" 'Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear, when out of the past come the thundering hoof beats of the great horse SILVER! The Lone Widower rides again!"
Man, I was really down yesterday. Down, down, down, down, Doobie, Dobbie, Down, down, down, down. (Make some music.) An angel called me to talk and send energy and light. Man. What an experience! The angel is Darshana, one of our newest City Directors.
I just realized I need to revise my Meaningful Goals. Oh, and I'm back in the game.
Got to run. Too busy to talk right now. : >]] : >]]

February 28, 2006, 8:57 PM
Oh, I forgot. One of Connie's work mates Margaret came by with hubby, boy child and girl child. We had cared for them one afternoon at our home. The daughter has matured to five (?), and she in an angel. Can you imagine??!! Two angels in two days. I am a fortunate man. I have no trouble knowing when I am in the presence of an angel. I lived with one for almost 38 years!

I had the MOST emotional evening with them. Margaret brought a notebook of writings by many people with their memories and tributes to Connie. When they left I had a most surprising and emotional evening with my kids. Wow! Kendra flew off the handle and huffed into the next room crying. Allen made fun of her and the fur flew. While they were yelling at each other, I thought I should mediate. They completely ignored me. Then they hugged, and we all hugged and supported each other in tears. The love flowed.

March 1, 2006 – Email from Tina, Connie’s youngest sister and now my precious sister
I am doing great again this week. I emailed Kendra yesterday and tried to explain the change that is happening inside of me. Connie always knew that my self esteem was below ground level, and that I never thought I deserved to be treated well or spoiled. Especially since last Saturday I am so renewed! I wish I could put into words what I'm feeling. I am so confident, so at peace with everything, so very happy and so independent in my thinking and feelings. I don't feel the need to schedule my life around anyone else's wishes or plans, and that feels great! I feel more kind hearted than usual, which I always thought I was, but this is different. I'm at ease all the time and don't worry about a single thing or let things bother me. I would say this is definitely a landmark, especially since I am working 50 hours a week right now. :)

I have Connie's witch sticker here at work, drink out of her mug, went out and bought adorable birds that sit on my desk, and Connie’s rock that I chose is here with me, too. When I look at the rock I always feel this surge of warmth that goes right to my chest area. It's truly amazing. It never fails me. :)

I feel whole!

I love you so much and hope you are doing well. I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes, I can only listen, sympathize, love you and be here for you. I pictured myself walking around with this HUGE hole blown right through the middle of me for the first two weeks. The hole seems to be closing now. I know if it hit me that hard, it has to be 10 times harder for you. You keep working on that new script for your current adventure. It's going to be AWESOME!
Hugs!!!!
Tina

My Grieving Journey - March 4, 2006

2006-11-21T20:12:00.000-08:00

It’s Saturday and my first full day alone. It is going extravagantly well. I’m blissful again. I certainly have moved my emotional boundaries outward, grief and bliss, that is. I experienced them both the first week Connie died. I was way far out there in expressing feelings at both ends of the continuum.

I have had a big urge today to start this journal and get my thoughts expressed, though many things were more important earlier in the day. I’ve been productive, playful, and fed myself – what a guy!

I started the morning about 5:00 AM in the hot tub watching the stars. A friend who lost her husband and had me to dinner with her family last week told me to be sure to brush my teeth, take showers and shave regularly. Ha! Then I went to my office and rolled my table to the desk and sorted my month’s stuff into A,B,C piles, with two extra stacks for home and business bills.

Walking the dog goes on throughout the day. The sun is out and the ground is warming a bit. She was sticking her nose into a future garden bed covered with about 6-8 inches of leaves. Lots of little critters in there!

She is very bright. She came into heat about three days after we got home. I bought a 24-foot retractable leash so she can run, but not run away. She often goes around a tree and tries to come toward me. But about nine times out of ten, she figures it out and runs back around the tree to get free. She went into a wild raspberry bush once. That won’t happen again; we aren’t getting near it. This morning she managed to go around a small tree trunk three times.

After I sorted the desk, I paid all the household bills and went to the bank to move money around. I stopped at a book store to buy Half Magic for Red, Kendra’s nine-year-old friend in Minnesota. It is a book Connie loved as a child. I found a copy of it a few years ago for her to read again. And I enjoyed it, too. I had bought a book for his sister Ada while still in Minnesota. They love Kendra and she loves them.

I also found a copy of C.S. Lewis’s book on grieving for his wife, A Time for Grief. Also picked up some groceries, took my shirts to the cleaners and bought stamps for my business.

I’m doing my laundry. I noticed I wear dark colors. There are almost no white things, just underwear and handkerchiefs. I emptied the dishwasher, fed the pets and started putting things away from our many activities over the past month. I had gyro meat with cucumber and yogurt sauce on corn tortillas for lunch. Good stuff. Connie and I always enjoyed the food we ate together. I like to eat with just me, too. That’s a first. Instead of reading, I decided to watch the birds while I ate. Connie would have liked that.

And for the first time I really looked at the amaryllis blossoming in our kitchen. That was always a special event for Connie. What an incredibly beautiful flower. The bulbs originally belonged to Connie’s grandmother, Gramma Great Big. They meant a lot to Connie and now to me. I had to get on the kitchen cupboard to look at two of the flowers. Yes, I could have moved the plant, I know. This little event made me realize I’m haven’t been open to a lot of things in the world, no doubt.

Last Saturday, Kendra and I and Tina (my sis) were talking. I mentioned that Connie and I had really been changing a lot over the past year. They said that they had noticed that I was very different. I asked them to explain how I was different. They said I was more present now. I was aloof before. I was surprised to hear that. I told them that I didn’t realize I was that way. “My girls really love you now,” Tina said.

Today I felt like I was continuing to blossom as a person. It feels like it is happening much more quickly than before. Almost like being on a rocket into space. It seems as if I am becoming a more spiritual person, more giving of myself. I wonder where this will lead. Someplace good, I’m sure of that.

The phone just rang, and I start my piano lessons next Friday. Great!

In the afternoon, I turned the music up loud and danced and pranced around the house. Whoo-whoo!!

I realized while I was walking the dog in the afternoon that I was having a very nice day alone. For dinner, I have started cleaning out the refrigerator. There were two hamburger patties that needed to be cooked, so I sliced onions, and cooked them all on the grill on the stove. I cut up the burgers and put them and the grilled onions on baby spinach leaves with Thousand Island dressing. That’s the secret ingredient in Big Boy hamburgers in this area. I haven’t had that flavor in a long time. I played early Beatles hits with dinner. I heated some apple cobbler that was sent home with me after the Sunday dinner with friends. It was too hot to eat, so I cleaned the grill very thoroughly, which it has needed for a year or so. With ice cream, the cobbler was great. At this rate, I will be fatter, but I’m just cleaning out the fridge, remember. : >]]

This was a day much like Connie and I have enjoyed together many times on weekends. And I thoroughly enjoyed it by myself. I am fun to be alone with.

I went to watch the sunset from the hot tub. It was dusk and the stars were out, many of them looking yellow. Then I meditated for 30 minutes. I’m starting a daily program using the Holosync Meditation program CDs from Centerpointe.com. They use water sounds and the sounds from amazing Tibetan bowls. It takes the mind to the alpha stage and supposedly takes one to a deeper state than Zen Yoga gurus achieve during meditation. Who knows where this will lead?

My Grieving Journey - March 5, 2006

2006-11-21T20:06:00.000-08:00

Abby is so joyful bounding around my acres with me. She has finally learned that when she gets out 24 feet and the leash stops her, she can’t go farther that way. So she takes off in a new direction. Her tail wags furiously. She finds small animal holes and sticks her nose in up to her eyeballs, snuffling like a hog. It’s fun to watch and listen to her.

I discovered the following passage from In Praise of the Crone by Dorothy Morrison:
“There is no sexier creature on the face of the earth than the menopausal woman. She wears her experience as casually as her favorite sweater. It shows in her walk, her talk, and the way she handles her life. She exudes confidence, elegance, and intelligence, and she is beauty personified.” That certainly describes Connie.

I also recently discovered in Connie’s dresser a note she had written on 11/6/2001. It seems she did know how much she was loved by me. Here it is:
Jack has never intentionally hurt me badly
He loves me
. Always comes home – even when I’m ornery
. Takes tender care of me now…so what about younger years?
So cute
So happy
I love him
He loves me very much
. Don’t feel threatened…I need not feel threatened

I was a bit concerned that I would never eat as well as Connie and I did together. But it is going to be just fine. For breakfast I sautéed onions and spinach, then made a three-egg omelet with them and basil seasoning. Basil is my favored spice. I must learn more about herbs.

I am discovering I like things cleaner and neater than Connie and I tolerated. It will probably take a month to get everything in shape the way I like it. I’ve been working on the counter tops in the kitchen today. The two-foot deep shelf behind the sink and cupboards is full of plants and memorabilia. I think I would prefer the simple Japanese way with just a few things emphasized by space around them. It will be interesting to see where this leads.

While doing the laundry yesterday I was meticulously going through the pockets of my shirts and jeans because I sometimes forget to do so when I put them in the dirty clothes. In the past I occasionally would find a crumpled up ball of paper in one of my pockets and wonder what I had saved, then lost in the washer. I was getting close to the end of the searching process wondering if people actually do this as part of washing their clothes. Then I hit pay dirt! In my jeans I found a handful of coins, a key to open the hot tub cover and my Swiss Army knife which has been missing for a week. It is a great loss to be without your Swiss Army knife once you have had one. I will make searching pockets on the way into the washer a part of the laundry process, for sure.

One thing I've realized while doing things for myself is that we men take our women for granted and let them do most of the work around the house. That's something I would change if I had it to do over again. Well, there is always the next relationship where I can be different in that respect.

March 6, 2006
I started daily meditation two days ago and today walked about a mile with Abby. I decided it was my time for exercise, so I didn’t wait for her to enjoy her sniffing around. She had to keep up with me. It worked out fine.

Yesterday I realized I hadn’t watered the plants for two weeks. My poor bonsai trees! I will have more reverence for the life of my plants in the future. Bonsai plants required much more care than my other plants, which include a four-foot avocado tree that Connie grew. But all of them must have my attention to survive and thrive. Nuff said.

I’m reading a book on grieving written by a woman I’ve known for years, C. Leslie Charles. She talks about the regrets she had when her son was killed in a work accident, unresolved issues with him and things she should have said, but hadn’t. She wrote them all down and eventually set fire to the list outside and let it go. I realized I have only one thing that I regret. I have been wearing sweaters Connie made for me on many days for the past month. I wish I had worn them more while she was alive, but I always tended to save them for special occasions because they were so special to me. She would have liked it if I had worn them more. And so would I.

Oh well, if that’s the biggest regret I can find, it just demonstrates what a wonderful relationship of honesty we had with each other. I felt another wave of grief as I was telling my son about this on the phone today. And I had lots of tears last night while working on getting this journal organized to put on my website.

My Grieving Journey - March 7, 2006 11:30 PM

2006-11-21T20:00:00.000-08:00

I am zooming. This is amazing. I have felt myself changing in many ways. I have felt that I’m growing spiritually. This is the most blissful and healing journey.

I had bought the Grief Recovery Handbook and took it on our trip to Minnesota and Wisconsin, but left it at the first stop and only got it back today. Checking the website of the Grieving Recovery Institute, I was compelled to attend its workshop. And guess what? There is one this weekend in my favorite big city Toronto.

I called the Institute phone and talked to Eric Cline for probably thirty minutes. Told him of some of my experiences and my thinking. He said a lot of the grief we feel today relates to our earliest griefs that we weren’t able to feel fully because of cultural bias that tell us “Don’t feel bad. She’s in a better place.” We DO feel bad! And then we are isolated if we express grief. Cry in the classroom when your mother dies and they send you to be alone in the principal’s office. When what we need is a hug or a shoulder to cry on.

Boy that didn’t happen to me with Connie’s death. I was surrounded by family and community in the dear friends and relatives that came and stayed the first week. We cried together and talked about our dear soul Connie. We hugged a lot.

I told Eric about my early grief of being put in a boarding home for six months. And how I hid away the shame, feeling of unworthiness, the grieving so thoroughly that I had only vague memories…bus rides to spend weekends with my parents and crying when I had to leave them again. Well, that’s a long story, but I started letting out those feelings as a 40-some year old and sobbed and screamed at my parents for 20 minutes twice. And have worked on it a lot since to the point I believe I have expressed my pain fully. Who knows, maybe I’ll learn more about that in the workshop.

I’m changing. I’ve noticed that I notice things, then I observe them, then I think about them. Then I want to express what I’m thinking. I have never been known for such practices.

Could this meditation program be powering me along a pathway I had already started since I got a coach in July and became a City Director for CoachVille? It certainly feels like I am zooming. I know my spiritual journey started when I met Dave Buck and Bea Fields and the CoachVille City Director gang in July.

I inquired about the grieving certification program. It immediately follows the workshop. Checking the website later I discovered I had talked with the executive director. He said it sounded like I was possibly a candidate for certification, which could be decided during the workshop.

I believe coaching will change the world, and I now believe grief recovery programs will help the process a lot, too. There are many millions of people each year suffering from loss of spouses, parents, children, other relatives, divorces, deaths of beloved pets. No wonder we have so much depression and ADD. They haven’t been able to grieve their losses. (Give them drugs, rather than work on grieving.)

Now, I know that this could be distracting when I need to focus fully on CoachVille's new Your Winning Season program. Too many irons in the fire? How like me. Should I slow down? Fred, my therapist, said I am going too fast. He said that to me right after I had told him that I wanted to stop my therapy sessions. “What a surprise,” I said. “That’s how I have approached the world most of my adult life. I like to jump in and go.” He groaned and got all flustered, then said I could do what I want, but that he thought I riding a crest and could crash. I said I would continue if he thought I should because he’s had more experience with this than I.

I’m going to buy the meditation program for a buddy so we can experience it together.

Meditation notes: Two nights ago as I listened I sensed the presence of others in my bedroom which caused chills down my back. (We are instructed that unusual things may surface in our conscious minds during meditations, but we are to just observe the thoughts without getting involved in them.) Apparently the brain works to resolve past issues during the meditation process with the Centerpointe CDs. Then a man sat on the couch beside me which REALLY caused chills.

While listening last night it was a different reaction. My mind was aflame with ideas about changes I’m sensing in how I relate to the world.

My Grieving Journey - March 15, 2005

2006-11-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

I got back from the Grief Recovery Workshop on Monday night. It was a profound experience. It was facilitated by John James, who wrote started the Grief Recovery Institute about 28 years ago. He has certainly learned a lot over the years. I was in good hands. I told in the hallway on the third day that I love to be in the presence of people who cut through the effing bullshit.

He told us that 83 percent of couples who lose a child divorce within a year. And that’s been true for the past 40 years. Lots of grieving going on in the world. Recovery is not only possible, but essential. And John knows how to make it happen.

We completed the workshop at noon. The certification program started at 1:15. I started getting very hot. I was sweating, fanning myself, and then John turned on the air conditioner unit. I stood over it to cool off. Remember now, I’ve been cold for weeks. At a break, I asked John what was going on with me. He said it is simple; my circulatory system clicked back in. For me that was a physical indicator that the grieving recovery process works. I was already sure of it mentally.

At the end of the workshop, John had us write completion letters to those we were grieving. We were to ask for forgiveness, apologize for things that needed apologies, and then read the letter to the person we had been working with in our exercises. He said to end the letter with goodbye to the person. I started crying. John asked the woman next to me to give me a hug. Then I started sobbing. When I recovered, I raised my hand to say that I thought I knew what had just happened and wanted some input from him.

“I cried because I don’t want to say goodbye,” I said. I’m okay with aloha, ciao, or so long, but I don’t want to say goodbye. But I had figured out that I was only saying goodbye to Connie’s physical presence. “Bingo,” he responded. Then he walked close and asked if I had a picture of Connie in my mind. I said, “Yes.” He told me to say goodbye, and I did. He asked if I still had the picture in my mind. I said, “Yes.” He just smiled and walked away.

I feel very good about being able to teach grief recovery workshops. They will be two hours once a week for 12 weeks. I feel a calling to help people recover. Just about everyone is grieving because few people know how to help people to completion of grief.

I spend a couple of evenings next door with Steve and Pam. We are no longer just neighbor acquaintances. We are building a caring relationship. Steve took care of my cats and plants and picked up the mail while I was gone for five days.

Later...
There is a full moon, which I watch rise while on my bedroom deck or set while having breakfast. In the evenings I see it rising while in the hot tub at dusk, watching the colors of the setting sun. The sun and moon are together on the horizon. Amazing!

My Grieving Journey - March 16, 2006

2006-11-21T19:15:00.000-08:00

This has been the most inspirational and transforming journey of my life, this past six weeks. I am at peace. I just discovered the peace tonight in the hot tub (cloudy skies). I was thinking about how blissful I am. I had just eaten dinner – smoked whitefish, leftover vegetable sauté, tomatoes, chunks of goat cheese and rice crackers – I am STILL eating well. Whoo-whoo. That was one of my worries.

We really have to think back to last night. I had a candlelight dinner. I made steak and sautéed vegetables and drank red wine. It was very nice. I was thinking about Connie and the wounded bird metaphor I had talked about at her memorial/celebration, getting healed and flying away. She healed and healed this past year. What a woman! Then I wondered, “If grievers try desperately to hold on and suffer, does that mean that the departing spirit is held back, as if tugged by strings or cables?”

Well, I told Connie, if that were possibly true, I am severing the strings. You fly away, Baby! I am so happy for Connie. Wow, she has her spiritual form unencumbered by the flesh. That has to be a really fine experience. I am so happy for Connie. And I felt her spirit flying away from earthly contacts. Real? Imagination? Who knows?

So, tonight in the hot tub I realized that I hadn’t fully understood what had happened last night, especially to me. I had only been thinking of Connie’s growth. Then I realized I am at peace. I am at peace. I am so calm. It seems as if I discovered the road to enlightenment and have taken my first steps. I wonder where this will lead? Somewhere really good, I think.

I’ve been meditating for two weeks. When I got ready for bed, my mind was awhirl while meditating. Many, many thoughts. The previous two nights I fell asleep meditating.

“Back to our action packed adventure in just a moment, folks!” (That’s an in-joke Connie and I used for a variety of purposes, especially by me during talky movies, but that’s another story.)

Anyway, I love my new life. I wouldn’t have chosen it, but now I have it. I was at a breakfast appointment recently on the wrong day, so I turned over the place mat and mind mapped my life. It’s going to be amazing!

My therapist says I am riding a crest and heading for a fall. Next appointment I am going to tell him what a difference he made in my life and Connie’s, and thank him. And that’s it for therapy. I’m moving on.

My daughter just emailed me she is quitting her job, moving to Austin in June to be near her fella.

My Grieving Journey - March 22, 2006

2006-11-21T19:12:00.000-08:00

Time flies when you are having fun!

Last Friday I started taking piano lessons. My teacher Linda seemed impressed that I could read music and play very simple pieces. She had asked me to bring music I wanted to learn. I am starting out by working to learn to play Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata written for beginners. I also had my first dinner party with another couple. It went well. I made lasagna with homemade pasta and a vegetarian version without meat and no pasta. I used baby spinach better layers of cheese and tomato sauce.

Saturday I helped a coaching client move to his new house. I was there several hours. His new place is great. Then I went to a Toastmaster’s speech contest and had lunch with two friends. Allen and Humcara arrived Saturday for a sweat lodge ceremony. A cranial sacral therapist friend also came, brought her table and gave me a healing. I definitely want to experience more of that. She also talked about sexual healing and recommended me to David Deida’s book: The Way of the Superior Man. I have ordered it and two others he wrote.

Sexual healing. The therapist gave me a hug after our session, and I had the most amazing experience. I was physically attracted by her. While hugging it seemed like our spirits were overlapping. I had experienced this many times with Connie. I later thanked her for helping me awaken sexually. I guess it started last weekend in Toronto. I went to a party with Cheryl where her new Landmark friends were gathering. I was noticing some of the women were great looking. I found myself flirting with two very attractive women. Later I thanked them for helping me to realize my body wasn’t dead after all following Connie’s death.

Allen, Humcar and Lori were here for the weekend. Allen had a sweat lodge ceremony, and David took part also. Allen brought humus, tabbouleh and Arabic bread to eat afterward. He prepared two kinds of quiche for breakfast. We had a great time together.

I added 30 minutes to my daily mediation starting March 24. The first 30-minute CD is called the Dive and takes the brain into alpha waves. The second 30 minutes is called Immersion and takes the brain into theta waves. My brain is certainly expanding my awareness, probably because of research I’m doing into spiritual and metaphysical matters, my response to Connie’s death and my new life, as well as meditation. It’s an interesting journey, and I’m finding I’m attracting people with similar interests.

Mary Elaine invited me to dinner last night, and I discovered she has been using the same meditation program for three months [check it out at www.Centerpointe.com ). Her husband died about a year ago, and we had an interesting discussion. I also had lunch with Sue from my Lions club.

I finally got started with organizing my office yesterday and establishing tasks to move my business forward. Money for work I completed earlier this year is starting to arrive, which is nice for the checking account. I’m going to pay some of my business debt today and complete paying off the rest of my personal debt.

I really like my 10-year-old Oldsmobile 98, which Allen calls my Old Fogie Car. The trunk lid was starting to rust, so I had it replaced. I also had the car detailed inside and out. It looks almost new. I hope to get another 3-5 years out of it – or maybe more. Funny, now that I can afford to buy any car I like, I’m keeping the one I have. I may keep it for a very long time. I must say though, the lure of a second car for fun, such as a convertible, sounds very appealing. A used VW, probably can’t find a used Mini Cooper yet, though a older car like a Mustang or a ’57 Chevy sounds very pleasant to consider. Connie and I had talked about a fun car many times.

My Grieving Journey - March 24, 2006

2006-11-21T19:05:00.000-08:00

There is just too much going on that pleases, surprises and amazes me to be able to express it in words here. I called the plumber because the upstairs toilet stopped adding water to the tank. We have had terrible rust residue problems. The old washer was constantly getting gunked up so that I had to clean the screens on the water intake openings. (Hm-m-m, is that redundant?) [Microsoft Word doesn’t have “gunked” in its dictionary. Tsk-tsk.]

Anyway, it turns out when we remodeled the kitchen and upstairs bathroom, and moved the laundry, the plumbers did not run the new water pipes through the water softener and iron remover tank. Changing the water pipes and rebuilding the toilet tank facilities was $600. But it sure took care of a nagging set of problems. Yes!

Our Toastmasters Club – Eloquents in Okemos, Michigan, -- had a most outstanding meeting last night. A guest did an extremely funny bit to open the meeting. That’s never happened before. Our entertainment reporter for the night, Gary, shared a wine publication and talked about rating wines. He read a review and then gave his personal review of a wine he liked which costs $3 a bottle and he buys by the case.

Three really great speeches followed. After a person evaluates the speech in front of the group, he/she invites comments from the audience. The three responses I gave in brief versions were:

1. You inspired me to research my network and develop action plans to expand it, Dan. Later at dinner I suggested he continue the idea in another speech on the same topic to give us more information. Dan got really excited about the idea. He told me it was nice to talk. He viewed me as a person who puts great emphasis on helping others. That was nice to hear.

2. The second speech was about the heroes of the speaker, Keeli. They included Nancy Drew and Wonder Woman. It was inspiring to hear how different heroes made the speaker more aware of developing their talents in herself. I told her he speech was like Mary Poppins – “practically perfect in every way.”

3. The third speaker, Candace, described being an introvert and how she became determined not to spend her life alone. She described her transformational path to today. I told her I was moved to tears. Not many people would make themselves vulnerable in front of a group. I loved her frankness and honesty. I told her I wanted to know her better because I’m in transformation, too. We are going to have lunch next week.

Then there was good conversation at dinner. It turns out Dan sells fund-raising products to schools. And guess what? Allen’s company has a new marketing idea to make flowering plants available to use as school fund-raising projects. What a great networking opportunity to get them together. It’s such a cool marketing idea. [It’s designed to keep the greenhouses busy when production for retail stores is low.] I would much rather buy a plant when the kid’s come around, rather than six boxes of candy.

This afternoon I finished building a platform of three steps with a hand rail for my hot tub. Steve next door let me use his shop and supervised my work, adding really good ideas. He has become a special friend.

I am eating wholesome food. Dinner tonight was smoked whitefish (gotta finish that up), baby spinach topped with sautéed vegetables (they are SO good) with rice crackers. I stopped using sugar in coffee. Actually, I stopped drinking coffee in the morning. I’m having tea. Anyway, I’ve lost 12 pounds. My goal is 20 pounds by June 1.

It’s March Madness basketball time. Connie and I always invited the madness in. Last year (and in many years) we picked winners of the first round NCAA men’s games and got four points for each one that was correct. Then we picked winners again for the second round, keeping the older predictions which always got four points for wins. The new predictions got three points per winner. And after that round we picked again. You get the idea. I’m alone for the games this year. It’s different, big time without Connie.

I didn’t make predictions. I watched a game tonight – third round. I was going to the bar to watch a game one night and ended up having dinner with a guy I met at one of the area Toastmasters speech contests. He had called my office and wanted to meet, since we do similar work. I hadn’t gotten back to him yet. So I missed the game. There was a good game on tonight which ended with one team winning by one point. And the following game got off to a good start. But I got sleepy. And decided I needed to get some words written.

Today is the first day of the eighth week since Connie died. I’ve noticed that I now talk a lot with people who are not aware that she died. They don’t know how to talk about it and ask permission to broach the subject. I tell them it is no problem for me to talk about it. “I woke up on February 3, and my wife didn’t. I love my new life. It’s not one I would have chosen, but it’s what I have.” Then they are comfortable to ask questions. I enjoy talking about Connie with them. But, mostly, I enjoy talking about me today and where I’m going.

Living in the present moment is an idea that has been presented to me in several ways over the past week. We can’t live in the past. What most people think about from the past is painful. We can’t live in the future, though we can influence it with our thoughts and actions today. Today is our moment. Be fully present.

I have been realizing over the past few days that I am recovered from Connie’s death.

I know there will be tears sometimes. I know the waves of grief can return in a flash. Especially on special days like birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas. And I am moving ahead. The really strange thing happening is that I am being attracted to women already. Where can this lead?

My response to Connie’s death and recovery are quite remarkable. Most men would still be suffering from such a great loss to their lives. I love the life Connie and I had together. It was amazingly wonderful. But it’s over, and I have great memories. This new life is pretty great, too. Abundance is flowing to me, and I am awed by it all.

ASIDE: At my therapy session, I was asked:
1. Do think about Connie a lot? My response: No, not really. I have many wonderful memories of her.
2. Do you dream about her? My response: Not much. She has been in two dreams. One was special; one was not.

When I took the dog out it was snowing just a bit. When our walk around was done, I sat on the porch swing on the patio. The outdoor light points away from the patio and lit up the snow as it gently floated down. The patio is covered with a roof and has open sides. It was a beautiful moment. I thought of Connie and how much she would enjoy it, too. She loved being outside. I think she left her love of nature with me. My appreciation of the world around me seems to be magnified by a factor of 10.

I thought of Connie, how much she would enjoy my special moments involving nature. Then I felt her presence. I told her that I loved her presence and always would, no doubt, but I was not calling her to me. She had to be there because she wanted to be, and I would enjoy it, too. So she stayed a while. After she left, II just sat and enjoyed the snowfall and petted my dog for a few minutes before going inside.

March 25, 2006
I am beginning to believe that dogs are a big nuisance, as well as fun to have around. I have to go out of town this morning and forgot to arrange for dog care. I’m waiting for the lights to go on next door so I can ask Steve to watch over her. He is alone this weekend while his wife is away on a visit.

My Grieving Journey - March 28, 2006

2006-11-21T18:59:00.000-08:00

Time flies. Three different people yesterday suggested I use match.com to find new friendships. I awoke at 1:30 this morning and read for a while, but did not get sleepy. So I got up and signed up to meet people at match.com. When I told Tina she thought it was a good idea, too. Three of my matches are women I already know in this area. It was interesting to go online and figure out how to describe myself and what I’m looking for. I said:

My wonderful wife of 37 years died, and I love my new life. I am in transformation and want to attract interesting men and women into my life to support and care about each other. I especially want to begin a friendship with a woman who is independent, powerfully feminine, sure of herself, intelligent, fun loving and humorous, and most of all, passionate about life -- someone who is growing and changing, responding to life's challenges/opportunities.

I enjoy cooking and eating good food; my flower gardens. I like conversation about feelings and goals and helping others achieve greatness. I enjoy reading, music, camping, puzzles. I like small dinner parties. I like to dance and roller skate.

I am attracted by art galleries and museums, moon rises and sunsets, flower gardens, good restaurants, theatre, my 18 acres. I love to visit Toronto. Fireworks are fun to watch and create. I like to kick up my heels and dance my butt off.

I like walking in the rain. I have read science fiction most of my life. I like to discover new ideas and see where they take me. I like rock and roll and classical music, as well as blues and jazz. I enjoy listening to the surf rolling in.

March 31, 2006
I have been meditating every morning for an hour, and what a wonderful way to start the day. When I came downstairs to make coffee I discovered my bedroom clock, which said it was 7:30, was wrong. It was 5:30. I sat outside drinking coffee and watching the sunrise and listening to the birds. What a magnificent world we live in!

I feel I am recovered from my grieving, thanks to the Grief Recovery Workshop, meditation and my extremely optimistic approach to life. At the end of lunch this week with a friend, she said I was not recovered. She thought the same 30 days after her divorce and discovered later she was wrong. It takes a year, she told me. My therapist said I was riding a crest and a crash was coming. I didn’t believe them and decided to get some other opinions.

I discussed it with my coach in Australia who told me at the end of the session that in the beginning of our discussion he was concerned that I was rushing it, but by the end he agreed that I was recovered. Then I called the director of the Grief Recovery Institute in California to get his opinion. He said it is not unusual at all. He told me that people who attend their workshop soon after a death complete the grieving process quickly.

I have scheduled my pilot Grief Recovery Workshop to begin April 10. It will be two hours on Monday evenings for 12 weeks. I’ve discovered that there are a lot of people grieving. Some are still moved to tears talking to me, even though the death they remember was 10-20 years ago.

Today I’m meeting with a woman in the governor’s office to talk about both coaching and grief recovery. She is working on a pilot program to introduce coaching in government. Can’t wait to find out what she is doing and how I can be a resource. Turns out we know each other from the past, though neither of us remembers where or when.

Women are responding to my profile on match.com. This should be an interesting adventure. Webster’s says an adventure is an experience marked by excitement and suspense. Boy, they got that one right! They left out scary, though.

I have many wonderful memories of life with Connie that I will always treasure. Nobody could ever take her place in my heart. But my heart is big enough to have room for another special person someday. Probably not soon, though. I just want to play and have fun. I am ready to be someone’s boy toy. (At this point, my daughter would say: “Too much information, Dad.” Speaking of the kids, they are doing well, and we are closer than ever.)

My Grieving Journey - April 1, 2006

2006-11-21T18:47:00.000-08:00

Could this day be engraved in my memory forever?

I just talked with the Lady in Black who is one of the matches from match.com. She is a widow with long blond hair wearing a black suit with a glimpse of red underneath. She attracted me because she has her own business, had a happy marriage, likes her grown kids and has warm family relationships with them and her grandchildren. In other words, an independent woman who doesn’t need a man, but wants to share her life with one.

I had sent her a couple of email messages and she responded with very brief messages.
What did this mean? Only slightly interested in me? Busy? What? I decided to be patient because I had good vibes about this Lady in Black. But why wasn’t she responding like the other women? Patience, Jack. Okay, “Waiting is,” as characters in Robert Heinlen books often said. That means suspend thoughts about reasons why and judgments and just wait. And I was cool with that. I had sent my phone number and asked her to call if she was willing to talk.

Looking back I realize it has only been three days since my first contact. Seems like a week. Patience, Man! Anyway…she sent me an email last night with her phone number, but I was in Ann Arbor with friends seeing an improv comedy group. I called this morning, and WOW! The chemistry is powerful. Neither of us have time to talk this weekend. I have lots of work to do around the house and in my office. So I invited her to dinner Monday night. And I have several emails from new women waiting at match.com, but I have no desire to even look at them.

C. has appealed to my desire to be sensual and have fun. I want to bury my face in her body. But it is just a carnal appeal. She was talking about weekends together on our first meeting. That seems much too fast for me. What if I did that and discovered the first morning together that I had made a mistake?

Could I have already found a new soul mate in JT? My heart and intuition tells me this is a possibility. I am going to take it slow, however. Yeah, right Jack, you are so good at slowing down…NOT. Here are our first emails back and forth.

March 29- to her: [Remember, she was wearing black in her picture, and she mentioned in her profile that she loves children’s books.] I did my laundry for the first time recently and discovered I wear dark clothes, too. What's with us? I love children's books, too. I miss having kids in my life. My daughter who is 34 just fell in love, so there's hope for grandkids.
You can find out more than you want to know about me at my website: facetofacematters.com. If you are interested, let's talk.

March 30 - To me: I am oh so curious! Why the parking meter in the photo? Got to scoot off to a meeting. Have a wonderful day! JT

March 30 – To her: Why the parking meter? First, I'm a quirky guy, often doing the unexpected. Second, I just saw it at the studio and thought it would set my professional picture apart from all the others. It could also represent that I charge by the hour. And finally, just "Because."

You said in your profile: "So if you enjoy life, see it as an adventure, love your family, have ideas and people you are passionate about, get energy from being active, and have the courage to fall in love again ~ I'd love to meet you."

I can enthusiastically respond with a resounding "Yes" to all that!

My son and daughter are in their 30s and very fulfilled about work and life. I always told them to discover what they enjoyed most in life and find someone to pay them to do that. They both have done it. He's in Hillsdale and she is in Belize, soon to be moving to Austin, Texas.

I was 48 before I took my own advice. Because I'm a teacher and healer and performer, I became a professional speaker and trainer. It has been very fulfilling, and I do not plan to retire because I have a mission to help others. My goal is to take off a month in July and December each year beginning in December. I have to build my business bigger for that to be a reality.

I'm also adding grief recovery workshops starting in April. If you know someone grieving a loss, the first workshop is free of charge. After that it will be about $400.

I am ready and anxious to hear your voice. If you are ready to talk, you can reach me at my home office (deleted). I don't have caller ID on my phone.

Make it a great day today and every day. It's a choice, but few people understand that.
All the best from Jack

March 31 – To her: Just wanted you to know I have expanded my profile if you are interested.

March 31 – From her: Jack, Thanks for your emails. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond back. It has been a busy week both for work and with family. All good stuff. But I didn't want to answer back in scurry mode.

Just read your expanded profile. You tell your story with such grace and positive energy. And the new photo is very nice. The parking meter one still makes me chuckle though. And I think your ... "I charge by the hour" is a great one liner.

I'd love to talk live. My sense is the voice is the music of the soul. Here's my cell phone number – (deleted). Interesting experience this adult dating thing. Didn't do it as a younger person. Married my second grade sweetheart, but think I am beginning to relax and enjoy meeting new people.

Have a great weekend!
Best wishes, JT

March 31 – From her: Jack, Decided to check out your website, but alas it told me I wasn't authorized. Is there a secret code or handshake? Have a great night!
Off to Meijer I must go. Big parties here the next two days. My youngest son’s birthday celebration tomorrow and oh my gosh he's 29. I should feel old but it just makes me grin to hear his plans and adventures. And on Sunday I am hosting a shower for my boss, Charlie and his lovely fiancé Asya. Yes there is love to found on the internet in the second half of life.
Have a great night! JT

Her name is J_____, though I don’t know how to spell it. J______…J_______…hm-m-m-m. Hum-m-m-m-m. Yes, it’s a song. I’m going to the flower shop. She said in her profile she likes roses, but not red ones. I also need to buy flowers for Connie’s memorial shrine in my dining room. I’m thinking an orchid plant. Yes. Whoops. I don’t know how to spell her last name and can’t find it in the phone book.

Later…
I bought a dozen roses (pinks and white). I also bought a children’s book. I was drawn immediately to it. It’s about a blind girl who goes places on the subway and in her mind. A butterfly helps her to find the colors and light in her heart. I wrote inside: “I hope you find the colors and light in your heart, JT. Our initials are a poem.”

Man, I was so touched by the book I came close to crying right in the store. The book is a perfect gift for JT. I almost cried again writing my message in the book and again when I thought of her reading it.

At the flower shop I asked them to deliver the flowers and the book, I said I don’t know the address or the correct spelling of her name (it’s not in the phone book.) So I asked them to call her cell phone number and get the address. In the card I wrote: “Monday seems like an eternity away.” [Today is Saturday. Have I got it bad, or what?]

I am actually feeling like I am going to meet another soul mate. Though I would never do this, I picture myself hugging her and saying: “Welcome home.” I am VERY emotional today. Well, enough of this. To work. Maybe I will practice my piano lesson first. I’m learning to play Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. And then I will build the new deck around the hot tub stairs; then corporate taxes.

LATER….I got the decking constructed and set in place. It’s about 2x6 feet and sits in front of the new stairway. Looks good and does the job I intended. I had a nice meal and watched one of the Final Four NCAA basketball games. I can’t stop thinking about JT.

My grieving journey - April 2, 2006

2006-11-21T18:41:00.000-08:00

I woke up about 1:30 and wondered if JT had emailed me. She did!

Jack, What a delightful surprise. The roses are gorgeous and truly my favorite colors. The book looks adorable. I've only got to sneak a peak.

The florist is to be commended. I left my cell phone in my car when I unloaded the groceries. But they called on my land line and delivered them while the whole family was here. So they all want to know who is this man that sends roses and books? And so do I. Looking forward to meeting you on Monday.
Peace and joy, JT

Kendra is uncomfortable with my quick recovery. She wrote:
Dad, of course you have to do what you feel is right, but it seems awfully soon for you to be dating... Your life partner of 37 years passed away less than 2 months ago. I understand that you are probably lonely. I do support whatever decisions you make, but at the same time, it is hard for me to hear the details of that part of your life. I hope you understand--I'm not trying to shut you out, but it's too soon for me to contemplate someone stepping into Mom's place. In
6 months or a year, I think it will be easier for me...

So I guess I will have to not share with Kendra everything that is going on with me regarding new women friends for a while. A couple of days ago Allen told me to slow down, too. It’s good that they feel comfortable giving me advice. Aren’t they sweet?

April 2, 2006
Man, I can’t get this woman out of my head. It’s 9:30 and I just left a message on her cell phone. It was something like: Hi, It’s Jack. I just wanted you to know that the second most important thing I would like to do with you is meet your grandchildren. They are going to be enchanted with me. I am going to be enchanted with them.” Then the phone cut me off when I was about to add something like “I am already enchanted with the thought of you.” Oh, well.

April 3, 2006
Looks like I blew it with Joanna. Here’s her email this morning:
Jack, Got your phone messages and email late last night after my guests left. I must admit I feel overrun by the energy. Please accept my apologies, but I think it's best if we don't meet. Best wishes to you on your search.
JT

If I had been thinking clearly I would have recognized that she did not give me a response to my gifts, other than that she had received them. She was in a wait and see mode. I sent an email back to her:

I am SO sorry that I came on too strong for you. I am perfectly capable of slowing down to a VERY slow pace. Eventually yesterday, I realized that I wasn't supposed to call you then, but this afternoon. Man, I blew it in my eagerness to hear your voice.

Would you consider just talking on the phone with me and putting off meeting? Would you consider talking with me without me romancing you as I have been doing? Have you considered whether you were truly honest with yourself about wanting a friendship and perhaps a relationship with someone new?

"Waiting is," as my favorite author is fond of having his characters say. I wait.

Whatever way you decide to go, goddess be with you.
Jack

WELL, I am sure there are several lessons here for me to ponder. I am so embarrassed at all this. I feel like erasing it all from my journal. My face is flush and warm. But, on the other hand, it is no doubt useful information to review in the future. And it may be valuable to other men going through this.

What raw desire for what I had lost was filling me up! I certainly was on a roller coaster ride through longing and desire. My problem is that I want to be loved again. I didn’t even write many of my thoughts here, which were too bizarre to record and see in black and white.

One interesting thought I had was that I would devote myself solely to JT. That meant putting aside the idea of playing and having a number of women friends, being a boy toy (Ha). There is safety in numbers, I remember. The other thing I need to remember is to GO SLOW or maybe not at all. So this weekend of blissful agony was a powerful emotional jolt and a reminder to not let Intuition carry me away, even though I need to listen to it, too. Whew!

A couple of hours later…Got another email from JT: Jack, Adieu. Thank you for the goddess wishes. Let's just say I spook easily. Best wishes to you on your search. When you find her she will be a very lucky woman because you do know how to do romance well.
JT

And I sent back: “And Adieu. Thanks for the wake up call. The slap in the face and bucket of cold water were just the right remedy. I am so embarrassed by my behavior. The learning that comes is very good for me. I am not ready for this quite yet, obviously.”
Jack

So with that, I am closing out my match.com account. And I’m letting Kendra and Allen know of my decision. Here’s my email to them:

Kendra, you are so right. I’m not ready to look for companionship. I have closed out my match.com page. My problem is that I want to be loved again. But that is not something that anyone should do quickly – either me or a future her. So it has been a very good learning experience, though painful. I should be put in a cage and fed occasionally, but not let out. Ha. Hope all is well in your worlds. I love you.
Dad

Kendra wrote back that she cried when she got my note. Relieved, I guess. Allen is on a two-week trip and has been calling me regularly. Isn’t that nice?!

My grieving journey - April 7, 2006

2006-11-21T18:39:00.000-08:00

My several days on the emotional yo-yo were very energy consuming. I was numb and tired Tuesday and Wednesday. Wednesday night I sat in the hot tub and then meditated an hour just before bedtime. Next day (yesterday) I felt great again. It’s Friday and the weekend is coming. I plan to spend some quality time with a new friend. I really enjoyed our Toastmasters meetings the past few weeks. We have been hearing some great speeches, and the dinners together afterward are always fun, too.

April 8, 2006
I went to the City Market today and found a new booth with day lilies for sale. There were some really great ones; many had won the best bloom prize in annual contests. I bought too many of them and can’t wait to get them growing.

April 9, 2006
I just sent this email to the kids and Tina: I just watched “My Date with Drew.” It was fun and heart warming. I also watched “Good Night and Good Luck” about Edward R. Murrow and the Johnny Cash story. I hadn’t watched movies in a very long time. It has been fun. I finally got back to working on my jigsaw puzzle. It’s a hard one. And I’m practicing on the piano playing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata (well, the first half anyway) and have Alfie down pretty well.

I have started removing the dead stuff in the flower beds. Two big cart loads so far. Gardens are looking good where I’ve worked. Several daffodil buds are starting to show yellow. It won’t be long till we are going to have an explosion of flowers, leaves on bushes and spring busting out all over.

My grieving journey - April 11, 2006

2006-11-21T18:35:00.000-08:00

Last night was my first Grief Recovery Workshop. Five people attended and there are a couple more who may join in next week. It was a little emotional for me in describing the workshop and how it helped me. The program went well, and I was pleased with the discussion and involvement of the attendees.

I also had a great meeting with my personal trainer and learning about his progress as my coaching client. We are coaching each other. He is really soaring and his dream to start a new business is coming to reality with the funding being provided by an angel investor. I just finished the first coaching session with a new client in Chicago. I helped her achieve clarity about her dream to start her own business, and she is very excited that now she understands exactly what she needs to do over the next 30 days to move her toward achieving her dream. It gives me such a feeling of wonder and satisfaction to know I can help others in this way.

I was just talking with a friend about helping these two to achieve their dreams. She asked me what MY dream is. I told her I am already living my dream. And I’m working to make my dreams even bigger. I love my physical environment, my home and my land. And someday I want to live in an intentional community with others who share the vision of having “community” in their daily lives, helping each other, growing our own food, living in peace with the environment and living in tune with the values of sustainable culture, slowing down and recognizing that the best things in life aren’t things, but people and relationships.

April 12, 2006
I had another breakthrough coaching session with a client that had dropped out from lack of commitment to make changes in his life. He asked me to coach him again, and I said I would if he was sure he was ready to work on improving his life and his business. He is making a major change in his life before the weekend. At least he says he will. Time will tell, though I really think he understands that he has been drifting and wasn’t happy with the direction drifting was taking him.

I had my last session of therapy with Fred today. He asked if I thought about Connie a lot. I told him that was a difficult question because she was part of my life most of my life. When I talk to others her name often comes up because she is involved in most of my memories. But I said she seems very distant, a lifetime away...another life...I have a new life. Not one I would have chosen, but I have to live it well, as Connie would have expected me to. As I would have expected her to if I had been the one who did not wake up.

April 13, 2006
Saw an interesting quote today: When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller

April 16, 2006
Allen spent the night last night. I didn’t know when to expect him so I made a pork loin roast. I’ve been cooking lately without referring to recipes. I browned the roast in a very hot cast iron skillet, then added a big sliced onion and about a cup of dry vermouth and cooked it slowly in the oven at 300 degrees. When it was done I added dried Bing cherries. It was quite good.

We had a great conversation. I asked about me going with him to the Lakota reservation this summer. He was hesitant in that he wasn’t sure if I would be able to accommodate to a “third-world” culture with no running water and bowl baths. I asked if I should be considering a vision quest. He seemed pleased that I would be considering these new things. As our conversation became more intimate, I discovered he is more like me than I had realized. It’s cool. He also worships the goddess.

I told him I wanted to jump off the cliff and soar into new adventures. I looked up the word adventure in the dictionary. It means an event filled with excitement and suspense.

Kendra called with only 10 minutes on her calling card. We all had a nice conversation together. I asked if she was in an okay place with life. She said “Yes.” I said, “Me, too.” Allen said, “Me, three.”
my

My grieving journey - May 7, 2006

2006-11-21T18:34:00.000-08:00

It has been a busy few weeks. Here’s the catch up. After buying two books on cohousing and intentional communities, I did some web research to find large cohousing communities in Michigan. Found interesting ones in Ann Arbor, Kalamazoo and up north. I sent off emails or made calls to request visits. Nick Meima in Ann Arbor called me, and I visited on April 24. I was impressed. There are three cohousing communities at the location; the oldest began eight years ago. I made arrangements to visit again and look at some vacant units.

Kendra asked me to call and told me she was very concerned about my possible selling the house. She doesn’t think I should be making major life changes until a year after Connie’s death. I guess she has forgotten how often she has told me the house is much too big for me (and too big for Connie and me before that.) She asked that we have a family meeting when she arrives home. I suspect that the kids want to tell me how to think, feel, behave and live my life.

I called the directors of the Grief Recovery Institute in California and Toronto to discuss my idea of moving with them and ask for their thoughts. I had previously talked with them about what seems a remarkable recovery from the loss of Connie. I am at peace with her death. I have a new life now.

They both said the one-year moratorium on life changes is another of the myths about grieving, especially as it relates to people who have been through the grief recovery workshop. They both told me that they did not hear any red flags as I talked about changing my lifestyle from a home alone in the country with many gardens to care for to a condo in a community of about 35 families who know and support each other. And there are many little children who play in the common areas. (Almost like having grandchildren.)

I liked a new three-bedroom unit, and Nick invited me to attend a pot luck and business meeting of the Touchstone community on May 1. I liked the people I met and especially enjoyed talking with two members of the gardening committee. Very little landscaping has been done in the community. I had another look at the three-bedroom condo and confirmed that I would like living in it. I gave Nick a $1,000 deposit. He invited me to attend a yard sale at Touchstone on May 6.

I was warmly welcomed by those I met at the pot luck and business meeting. I found out Lois will live in the two-bedroom next to me. Susie and Paul will be living on the other side in the next building. Susie said they will have a hot tub. I have picked out a small tub and put a deposit on it.

My grieving journey - May 14, 2006

2006-11-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

Well, the family meeting did not go well. They expressed their feelings. The children want me to keep the house, their anchor. They have many requests and want an accounting of how I’m spending “Connie’s money.” It was grim. I had made a nice dinner of sorrel soup that Connie had canned. They ignored it while I ate. Then they told me of their needs. After a break I suggest we gather in front of Connie’s memorial of pictures and momentos and art work and honor her on Mother’s Day as one of the greatest mothers in the world.

Then I told them I was very disappointed with them and somewhat hurt that they did not ask my feelings. When I expressed them and told them of my search for assistance from experts in grieving, Allen said I should take off my blinders and listen to my family and not others. They weren’t really interested in my feelings. I told Allen he should take my listening class, which led to a lot of conversation about listening and not listening, none of it good.

They basically told me the family is gone with Connie’s death. Allen said he had no reason to live in Michigan if our home is gone. Kendra said she would have no place to return to on holidays if our home was gone. She told me I was too distant until recently.

I was very surprised. I thought we had raised big hearted people who were sensitive to others. Connie and I always supported them when they wanted to do something (except when Allen wanted to quit school.) But the kids are still grieving and are not open to me changing my life. I started by telling them I was surrounded by memories living here. (I thought that might be a good ploy. Wrong!) They were not interested. It was a good try, though. Actually, I do not have a problem being surrounded by the memories that my home and property generate.

There were lots of other discussions, including ideas on how I could keep this house and lease it or have workshops once a month to pay the mortgage.

Afterwards I had to get out of the house .I called several friends to pour out my feelings and was warmly supported.

One said that there are soft hurts and hard hurts. This one is a soft hurt that I will be able to handle. If the kids decide to separate themselves from me, it will only be temporary until they are able to recover from their grief.

So life goes on. I will continue to live in the Present Moment.

May 15, 2005
Early this morning I sent the kids this email:
Monday night I was dismayed, disappointed and hurt by your comments about how I should live my life.

This morning all that is washed away by the love I feel for you. I realize you are hurting and grieving the loss of your mother much more than I had imagined. I wish that I could do something to ease your pain. All I can offer is my love and the hope that the pain will go away soon. And the wish that you will be consumed with the joy that comes from remembering her.
I am at peace with the loss my incredibly loving soul mate Connie. What a fortunate man I am to have had her love lavished on me so abundantly for so many years!

Connie completed her work loving us and taking care of us -- and taking care of herself finally. She is still with me and always will be. And now it is time to take care of myself, never forgetting the unconditional love she that she so generously shared with all of us and many others.

I have had many blessings in my life. Connie was my treasure on earth. Allen, you are the most amazing son that a father could hope for. Kendra, you are a treasure, just as your Mom was to me. I am so blessed to have the two of you in my life.
May you have many blessings as you continue your lives. I close with tears as I think about the boundless love that I felt for each of you the very first time I saw you. Nothing will ever change that love that I feel for you.
Dad

May 18, 1006
The last two days were not good ones. It was cloudy and rainy. And the atmosphere at home was about the same. Kendra and I sat on the patio, and I told her she seemed very angry. She said she was. I asked her to let it out, and she told me she did not like me, though she loved me. She said she hasn’t liked me for several months. I listened with compassion and then we had a nice conversation.

She is recognizing that she may never settle down. She likes traveling and being a rolling stone. I’m the opposite. I’m a rock that likes to stay in one place. She is thinking about having a small place to have as an anchor. I asked where that would be and she said maybe Seattle or Utah. I told her I might help pay for a place in the Rocky Mountains if I could use it when she is traveling. I love the mountains and downhill skiing. Connie did not like it, and I have done little skiing in my life as a result because we always did everything together. In retrospect, it is probably not a good idea to have SO much togetherness.

Today the sun came out, and I decided to be happy again. I had a vision of the house becoming a retreat center and invited a friend to live here at reduced rent to take care of the place. When I talked about the idea of the house as a retreat, two people already told me they wanted to rent it. This could work out. So I am keeping the place. The kids will be happy (maybe).

My grieving journey - May 20, 2006

2006-11-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

I had such a great day today. The sun was out and I was heading to my Touchstone community. Everything in the world seemed, well, just great. The sun, the air, the sky, the trees. Everything was just great. (Okay, that’s redundant, but accurate.)

There was a community business meeting going on and I arrived during the break, so I got to participate in the rest of it. It was a very well-run meeting. People who had questions or opposition to an idea seemed very comfortable to say their mind. It was very well facilitated by Joe -- and participants also helped facilitate. As one who teaches Meeting Effectiveness, I was impressed!

I went for a walk in the woods across the way with two of my community. Never have I seen such incredible wildflowers in the woods. Lavender geraniums were everywhere, also trillium. The trail connected with land owned by University of Michigan where there was a well maintained trail about five feet wide.

Back to Touchtone, well exercised – wow, those women walk fast. There was a party going on. I walked around my new home peering into windows. And then it REALLY became my home when I peed in the back yard. Several people at the party connected with the idea of me “marking my place” and shared nice smiles. The food was good, everything I like, and my friends are, well, great!

I guess that is what started my thoughts on oneness. The glow you get when you are with open-hearted people, friendly and welcoming. So this is what community is. The feeling of coming home (yes, I know, “to a place you’ve never been before,” I know. Reminds me of a song.) I have previously experience it briefly a few days at a time. It was wonderfully blissful, as well as grief stricken, the week following Connie’s death. I told people we would have to get together again soon and not wait until someone dies. So we are going to do that this summer.

I’m going back tomorrow for a May festival put on by all three communities to introduce cohousing to the surrounding area. There will be clowns, a face painter, lilac sale, open condo models to view. Sounds like fun. Another thing that impressed me at the business meeting and the party was that three women breast fed their children. You don’t see that much in public anymore. Connie also felt comfortable feeding our children while we were with other people.

May 21,2006 at 2 AM
Damn, I hope today’s mind blowing experience isn’t going to start my late night writing again. It is like when Connie died. But this time, I kept staying in bed when the urge to write started. Tomorrow. Go to sleep. This went on for a couple of hours, with perhaps a little sleep now and then. Finally I had to get up and write. Shit!!

Then after I wrote a while I got an email from a guy I met at Touchstone yesterday who will live in my building. He’s a writer sending out a community email at 12:30 AM seeking others to form a writer’s group. I responded at about 1:30 AM saying I guess I’m in. I HAVE TO WRITE!!

I am so blissful. I feel the oneness of the world. I had an idea. And that is what kept me awake and needing to write. What would the world be like if everyone realized that the sons of god around the world (the avatars) gave us a message? The message was the same. We are one. And lot’s of other messages about love and community. So what would the world be like if everyone thought of the messages of the sons of god around the world and then looked at their own lives? What would the world be like?

We could begin changing the world just by emailing this to everyone we know.

That was one thought. I’ve been reading two books that both talk of us all being part of the great universal oneness: One, by Lance Secretan and The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Depak Chopra. Secretan makes a very good case for leadership through recognition that everyone in the organization is part of us – equality and all that it implies in the workplace. He has many heartwarming stories illustrating this. Hm-m-m-m, I just noticed the title is One.

And Chopra’s book says we are one.

At this point I am ending my grieving journal and continuing it as my transformational journal.

The most important learnings I have received through my experiences this year are to live in the Present Moment and to be grateful for the blessings in my life, rather than thinking about the negatives. I have certainty that God and the Universe give everyone more of what they are thinking about. I am a walking testimonial of that Truth. “Thoughts become things,” as Mike Dooley says. http://www.tut.com/ (Sign up for his encouraging and entertaining “Messages from the Universe.”)

I’m grateful that I could share my journey with you. Blessings on you as you walk your own pathway.

[Note: October 20, 2006 – Yesterday I learned that 54 people or organizations have donated almost $3,000 to The Nature Conservancy in Connie’s memory. Wow!]